The Great Transition: children taking care of their parents
When you’re in your teenage years or your twenties, you think that your parents are invincible. You turn to them for moral support, financial support and physical support. Your parents are there for you for the good times and for the bad times.
However, when you start getting into your thirties, a scary thing starts to happen. Your parents start to get old. Now, I’m not saying that they are disappearing to dust but you start to realize that they can’t do the things that they used to do. Your dad can’t work on cars like he used to do. Your mom can’t play basketball like she used to do. Your dad can’t stand in the kitchen for long periods of time. Your mom can’t remember how to fix the computer anymore.
To watch your parents grow old is a natural part of life. Even though it’s natural, it’s still horrifying. What gets even more scary is when you are placed in the position of having to step in when your parent is hit with a traumatic medical event. Your parents have a heart attack or a stroke or is diagnosed with a debilitating form of cancer. Now, all of sudden, you find yourself in the life altering position of trying to decide what to do with your mother or your father who can no longer independently care for themselves.
No one plans for these situations but the simple fact is that they happen on a regular basis. Even more pronounced in the situation is the fact that our parents are living much longer. So for the longer they live, the longer we may have to care for them if the needs arise.
Here’s a few things that may bring you piss of mind for th efuture:
1) If you’re married, have the conservation with your spouse BEFORE anything happens! The unfortunate thing about having to take care of family members is that some couples don’t anticipate this situation every happening. Therefore, they don’t discuss it. No one wants this to happen but you should, at least, have the discussion about what you will do if you need to take care of your loved ones.
2) Try to respect your parents’ desire to remain independent. When your parents are struck with a devastating condition, it is never their intent to remain in that position. They have desire to return to their way of living. It’s tough trying to convince your parents that they can’t live the way they used to live. However, it’s important that you take every step to make sure that they maintain as much independence as possible to ensure they still feel independent.
3) When you start noticing something is wrong, start stepping in immediately. Now, this is simply the hardest part of the equation. Alot of times, our parents may not see that they are ’slipping’. They ain’t trying to hear any of that noise about them slipping or losing their abilities. Now, the tough part is what do you do? It can start off simple. Ask about funds in the bank. Ask about who are on the bank accounts. Check the status of the mortgage, car notes, and other debts. Listen for anything out of the ordinary.
4) Get ready to talk to an attorney. Start looking to talk to an attorney that focuses on elder law or probate law. Start pricing assisted living facilities, nursing homes, extended living facilities, or in home care. Check for the establishment of wills, guardianships, or trusts. Unfortunately, when things get crucial, it gets crucial QUICK!!
5) Be prepared for family drama! That’s right, I said it! FAMILY DRAMA! Your parents have sisters or brothers or nephews or nieces who will feel the need to throw their two cents in the equation. What’s stressful about this situation is that everyone (who is NOT in your situation) feel the need to give their opinions about how to handle the situation. Unfortunately, it’s usually these same people who are not contributing to resolving the situation either.
6) Be patient! The hardest part about dealing with this situation is remembering that you MUST stay patient. It’s hard because any time a traumatic family situation occurs, it effects everyone in the family. Just remember, you have the tools to handle whatever challenge comes your way.
Taking care of your parents is a necessary step in the circle of life. Be prepared for it so you can provide the life for your parents like your parents provided for you.
